Merry Christmas to all those not Jewish/Atheist/Faggots! Let's talk about stories of Christmas past...but as this it EDF2....it must be a lulzy one. I'll go first: When we were children, (I was 4) and after my mom and dad put the presents under the tree and my mom went to bed. However...my dad was feeling lulzy and after she went to bed...he took all the presents and hid them and at the time we had a coal furnace...do you see where this is headed? That morning at 3:00 a.m. ...we three ran toward the tree....and under it were three lumps of coal........we BAWLED so loud that it woke my mom up and she came running in. My dad was laughing and said that 'Santa made a mistake...he would call him and let him know and we should go back to bed and try it again.' Santa fixed it, we got the presents and we wondered where dad got the bruise on his face. It was bad at the time but now it's our favorite Christmas story.
last Christmas I gave you my heart. the very next day you gave it away. this year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special
one time i hit my brother in the nuts with a barbie doll... and yeah, i know this isn't christmas related. blow me, bitch
I remember it was the night before Christmas where my lord Satan called me up to unleash his plan to defile another Christmas for all the joyful Christian boys and girls. "Squat my faithful minion your sexual deviancy and lack of religious morals are perfect plan to ruin Christmas in that frozen tundra!" the prince of Darkness devilishly laughed. "But my lord; Canada is a hot bed of your work: Feminists, Gays, Jews, Arabs, Asians, Atheists and other non white Christians already hold the nation by the throat. Plus we ship our insurgents into the last pure christian nation USA to slowly turn them into a multicultural liberal state that bans Christmas and kills fetuses in our black magic rituals in your name." I explained. He told me that they're where still Christians that operated in Canada and that they where holding secret services that proclaimed their devotion to God. The revelation made me sick and snarled, the thought that pure Christians practicing they're faith was revolting. Quickly I gathered a dark army, Filled with the best Transsexual drag queens and Social Justice Warriors who many are veterans of privilege checkers and liberal arts, Jews who wanted nothing more than to enslave their Christian counter part to steal their money and use it to buy more of America. With pitch forks, torches and the communist manifesto. We marched to stamp out this rebellious Christmas. We reached the destination: a Orphanage and not the run downed government owned ones either a Orphanage secretly run by Christians I knew since it was well kept, not the ones where the taxpayer has to pay an outlandish price so we can indoctrinate them into being Amoral Liberals. I peeked in the widow and saw a Christmas Tree, The Children and the Pastor singing songs about the birth of Christ. I snarled in disgust. Then we burst through the doors chanting our war cry "CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE CHRISTIAN SCUM!" We told the children Santa wasn't real and Christmas oppressed Jews with our flawless straw-man augments while smashing down the Christmas Tree and breaking the small figurines of the birth of Christ. The Children cried in terror the priest tried to calm them down until he was impaled by a large Iron Dreidel. Just then the look of terror and the sight of blood made us loose all inhibitions we ripped out cloths off and jumped on each other like rapid dogs, screwing every orifice. We howled to our dark master Satan in triumph the destruction of another Christmas destroyed!
Well last Christmas like most of my funny stories we open with me being drunk at strange hours of the day ,and/ or night . I woke up ,and decided it would be a great Idea to ride a mattress down the stairs . It wasnt such a good Idea because I forgot the gun rack was at the bottom of the steps ,and needless to say I hit it made a mess of broken wood toppled guns ,and box after box of ammo spilled on to the ground. I am also currently drunk.
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