OK so as some of you already know (and as the result of me being an attention whore about it) I was in the French army a while ago. I fucking have to share this one. I mentionned somewhere that I got a lot of shit stories from the army. This one is actually the finest. Spoiler: it's about some guy who took a dump on my partner and then ran away like crazy (in fact he fucking was) So here's some background on the guy. He's an arab to begin with, but that was fine as we got some other sandniggas with us. This one though was also gay, which we were making a lot of fun about, also he walked like he had a broomstick up the ass, which was ironical, and he was generally doing dumb shit that everyone hated, as we got fucked for itby the sergeants EVERY FUCKING TIME. We pwnd him many times because of him being generally retarded and doing dumb shit that usually fucked us in the process. So my regiment was located in southern France, that's kinda our equivalent to California. So we were used to hot climates and, knowing this, our superiors wanted us to grow a real pair of balls sending us one week in a fucking cold place, where we would sleep outside and do retarded shit all the day. It was always, fucking raining. We were still doing our initial formations btw. So our gay sandnig decided some weeks ago he would be done with the army soon, and he didn't want to do that week. So on the second day, he had an AWESOME plan: We were supposed to shoot with M2s. Fucking 50. cal, from an armored vehicle. And his cunning plan was to not put his ear protections properly but still properly enough to not have his brain fucked and simulate a trauma while having minor symptoms. Yes, it's fucking retarded. For those who don't know, weapons make noise. They make enough noise to fuck your ears up, maybe your brain in the process. And 50. cal is powerful as shit. So the retard did it, and went to the hospital. At this point we don't hear from him until the end of the week. --------------------- End of the week, I was ill as fuck because of sleeping in the cold, under the rain, and the pow simulation was the icing on the fucking cake. A general came at some point to see what we were doing and was impressed by our skills, told the sergeants, and well the sergeants decided to make us sleep inside for the last day (it was still crap tho, sleeping on concrete in a building without any heating but still extremely better than outside) We also had the surprise to see our gay sandnig coming back. He came to sleep with us. I had a partner who was supposed to look after me, and me after him (which I failed lol, you'll see) and he was sleeping on my side. At the middle of the night, I woke up because of a noise. I move my head to the left, and I see a fucking ass, over my partner. Suddenly shit comes out and falls on him. I was ill as fuck and didn't perfectly woke up, so I told myself "WTF ok, it's a weird dream" and fell asleep again. In the morning, the noise woke me up, everybody was moving and ranting and everything. Before I asked what was wrong the smell of the shit hit my face with the power of a fucking firetruck. there was my partner being utterly mad on my side, as not only he was crapped on, but also he couldn't find his pants, which also hand his beret in it. So someone explained me the story. Apparently in the middle of the night, the gay sandnig had an urge to take a crap. He began to stand up and immediately shat himself. he then removed his pants and continued shitting on my partner and then used one of his shirts to wipe his ass. He then took my partner's pants, which were in his backpack, and began to run for the toilets. Something failed as he began to shit on the way to the toilets, leaving a shit trail between that building and the fucking toilets, outside. He then vanished in the forest, like some angry beast. We spent the whole morning searching for him in that forest. We eventually found him butt naked with a lot of shit everywhere around him. Obviously his attempts to leave the army worked at this point... he was also sent in a nutbarn lol. The best thing was probably our master sergeant's reaction when we found him, with his hormones filled voice: "THERE YOU ARE YOU SHIT SMELLING MONGOLOID!" We obviously didn't stop talking about that for some days.
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